Hello my lovely loves,
It’s been a while since I’ve written a post, and while this won’t be a long one, I wanted to share a few things I’ve been thinking about lately.
Someone online recently asked me how I deal with my illness anniversary, or Sickmas, because they kindly remembered it’s coming up. (It’s the 1st November for those that don’t know.)
It took me a while to respond to them, because I was doing what I do every year to cope. Working on my Halloween costume. Every year I throw myself into it, and although I’ve always done so, it’s taken on a little more importance in my life since I got sick.
It allows me the opportunity not only to be someone else for a little while, but to revel in my favourite kind of creative problem solving. I enjoy it so much, and that’s crucial.
It’s not just Halloween, but pretty much the entire end of the year from my housebound anniversary in September to New Year that I struggle. And during that period I find the little parts of those times that I’ve always loved, that I can still do, and I try to make sure they’re in my life in some small way.
Taking those tiny little moments and polishing them until they shine. So I can take them out and look at them when I need them most.
It doesn’t entirely block out all the things I can’t do, or the sad times. I make room for those too. I think it’s important to let yourself feel those moments, because they’re real, and honest and deserve to be listened to. All of you deserves to be listened to, even the sad parts.
People say you should focus on the positives, and I do that. I try to list to myself all the things I’ve done or enjoyed in the year, and all the (achievable) goals for the next, but there has to be time for the losses as well. Anything else is just a pretty lie.
When it comes to my costume, it took so much work and planning. I knew I'd be dressing as Crowley from Good Omens last year when me and my friend Nick (who dressed as Aziraphale) discussed it first and I’ve been slowly gathering everything since then. Working on it bit by bit throughout the year.
Even after all that planning it still nearly didn’t happen because I had a run in with a ventilation needle just over a week before and had to be taken to the minor injuries unit.
(Ventilation needles are used for wig making and are shaped like tiny fish hooks, so once it was in my finger I couldn’t get it out on my own.)
We were there less than an hour but even with ear plugs, ear defenders, an eye mask and lying prone in my wheelchair the world was just so LOUD and so BRIGHT.
I stayed in bed for days after and although I’ve been as careful as possible since then, I knew I was playing with fire to carry on despite feeling terrible.
It’s a testament to how careful I’ve been, and how far I’ve come I was able to do the photoshoot at all.
Despite all that, I was in bed by half 3 of the day of shooting. And even before that - by about 12.30 - my legs were like rubber. I've been going downstairs on my bum because they’re just not stable at the moment.
I’m not saying this to be all WOE IS ME, but to point out the realities of doing these things.
I would love to cosplay more often, but it honestly isn’t possible, at least not now. I’m never in these costumes for more than a couple of hours and going places in them would be out of the question.
But I love doing them. And that’s incredibly important, especially now.
So even if I’m stuck in bed for days then it’s worth it for those moments when I get to see all my work come to fruition and strut around like a badass.
Well, more like saunter vaguely like a badass, as the case may be.